How Italian Culture Has Made Me More Authentic

Observing culture as an American Midwestern guy living in Rome

I think it is fair to say that anyone who has lived in Italy for a good chunk of time knows that Italians communicate in a passionate, direct, and often confrontational way. Apart from moving their hands like they are on fire, Italians are loud and facially expressive.

Now, I am an early 20s American guy who grew up far away from the big city life in New York or Los Angeles. In the Midwest, niceties and general politeness tend to be the priority. You just learn not to disturb the status quo with impassioned flurries.

In Rome, they can start a yelling match with each other at the slightest annoyance or offence — a pedestrian or driver that hesitates one second at the red light, a phone call that is not answered, an object not put in its proper place, well, you get the idea. Of course, more often than not they confront each other for more serious things. However, what has been the amazing thing for me to observe is that when they begin an emotional tirade, they are never amiss for the right words. Usually when a Midwesterner back home in the US is upset, a few phrases are clumsily strung together like the output of a sputtering engine. Not so for the Italians. Insult after insult, vulgarity after vulgarity is launched in a continuous, almost hypnotic melody, which, as long as it’s not directed at you, one is comfortable listening to it all day. The language is pretty charming to say the least.

It kind of becomes more curious from there. While Italians may be confrontational one moment, the very next they are relaxed and interact as if nothing happened. In other words, the insults and argument that just took place were not a reflection of bad blood, but rather, an understanding that we can be honest with each other, i.e., you can tell me when you think I’m being a dumb ass and vice versa, and then we can move on. Or least that is my take on it.

Italian imperatives and questions are often expressed with more bluntness than in English. Instead of always prefacing a question or a command with “maybe” “would you mind” “could you possibly” “sorry” “please” or “thank you”, the Italians just say it how it is. Over Christmas, few friends and I were having dinner with an American family living in Rome. As we entered their perfectly clean apartment with our shoes on, the hostess said, “would you mind maybe taking of your shoes before entering? Sorry, I just don’t want the floor to get dirty.” Why is that even a question, I thought to myself. I could hear in my mind how an Italian might say it: “take off your shoes before you enter.” Full stop. This might offend the ears of a born-and-raised Midwesterner, but c’mon, you don’t need to soften the insanely reasonable request for guests to remove their shoes in order to save you the work of mopping the hardwood floor at 1:00 in the morning after having cooked, hosted and served them an exquisite Christmas meal.

Not having realized it before I came to Italy, I much prefer this mode of communicating. It is more direct, more real, and yet at the same time, more human. There is an understanding that something deeper unites us as friends, or even just as people.

Living in Rome for more than six months now, a bit of this communication style has rubbed off on me, and I find I am more free to be honest and direct when talking with my colleagues, family and friends. When making a request, for example, instead of saying, “do you think you could maybe cover my shift if possible tomorrow?” I try to say, “can you cover my shift tomorrow?” Or, when in the past I would have avoided any discomfort with a friend, I try to say instead “It seems to me that you’re being a bit dramatic about this in order to not disappoint me. Is that true?” Let’s face it, Midwesterners are often too easily offended and dislike confrontation — hence the label “Minnesota nice.”

In the end, as I’m going through experience, my whole hope is that this style of communication does not lead to more hostile relationships, but rather, relationships that are stronger and more human, built on honesty and authenticity in place of superficial appearances and niceties.

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Submission by David Stokman